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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mourning on Mother's Day

For the first time in my life, I was sad on Mother's Day.  No, "sad" isn't the right word.  I was grieved.  The night before as I was washing dishes I began to dread it.  I began to wonder how I was going to feel when I walked into church with all the flowers and smiles and babies.  It was also a baby dedication Sunday so we had 12 little ones dressed in their finest being dedicated to the Lord with their smiling families all around.  Not that I begrudge them a bit.  But as I stood there during the worship time and and watched the infants being lovely cradled by their mothers, my heart broke.

I am the mother of a lost child.  On March 10th I went in for my 9 week OB appointment and discovered that I had a miscarriage.  I hate that word.  I hear it and think "missed" and "carry" as if I failed to carry my baby properly.  I knew going in to the appointment that there was a likelihood of this, but when the doctor really took his time with the sonogram and then said "hmm..." I knew.  And knowing was worse than fearing.  Far worse.  I thought I would have some relief in knowing, but knowledge extinguished all hope.  I knew this pregnancy was different than my others, but I assumed/hoped that it meant we were expecting a boy.

A boy.  A son.  My son.  My son whom I will never get to hold.  I will never rock him to sleep.  Never kiss his head.  Never tickle or wash or play games with.  But my son has seen Jesus.  He is safe.  He is well.  He is immensely happy.  He has gazed upon the glory of God.  And yet I still want him back.

There are emotions that I cannot explain.  Sadness that overwhelms me on days that should seemingly be filled with joy.  I have often thought of this quote:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on?
In your heart you begin to understand –
There is no going back
There are some things that time cannot heal
Some hurts that go too deep
That have taken hold

Understand that I do know and believe that God can heal all wounds, I understand this.  I feel this some days.

I have found great comfort in the song Restless Are the Waters by Altar White, a band our friend MJ was a part of in college.

Blessed is the one who calms the sea
Restless are the waters within me
Come, He will silence them in time
Still the crashing echos in my mind

Holy is the One who brings His peace
Restless is my heart on days like these
Saying He will call it His alone
In it He will make His glory known

And I know that You have counted every hair on my head
Healed the living and raised the dead
You know just where I am
Cause I know that You are counting every raindrop falling to the ground
You know my thoughts better than I know them myself

So I will wait on the Lord
Whose timing is His own
Whose timing is His own
And I will wait in His hands
Knowing this is not the end 
No, this is not the end

I am clinging to that hope.

1 comment:

B Treece said...

amen. I love you and am thankful we get to trust the Lord Jesus through this together.