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Friday, August 27, 2010

Starting to Move On

When I was lesson planning for CJ's preschool, I decided that I wanted to start each day by going over the calendar.  She could learn the months, the days of the week, and by counting up to the day, it was good way to refresh numbers.  Plus we already had a calendar from the spring when we did some Montessori work.  The problem was that our calendar hadn't been touched in months.  Five, to be exact.  And, this is what it looks like:

This calendar can serve as a visual representation of my life for the past five months.  It's been stuck.  That was the week that we lost Lucas.  And my world has been on hold.  After the initial phase, I was getting out of bed, I was seeing people, I cleaned, I cooked, I played with the girls ... but I wasn't moving on.  I was living in the loss.  Sure, I could now think about Lucas without feeling like I was having a panic attack, but I wasn't myself.  

I feel like in the last few weeks I've been able to return.  And while I am still hurting, the pain is now a part of my life, and not my whole life.  I don't think I'll ever be free of it, but in some ways I don't ever want to.  The pain reminds me of how much I love my son.  How I would have done anything to save him, had it been in my power.  How I would have loved to see my girls getting excited about a little brother.  I would have been almost 35 weeks pregnant.  

The calendar now has the month of August on it.  They say life has a way of catching up on you, but I feel like I'm finally catching up on life.  

PS - I recently finished a quilt for Lucas.  If you want to see it you can go to my other blog.

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